Chicago Cubs: Why 2016 team wouldn’t cheat like the Astros

The 2017 World Series champion Houston Astros were exposed for operating intricate cheating operations. Here’s why the 2016 Chicago Cubs wouldn’t cheat.

(Note: This article is largely intended to be satire, though we wouldn’t be surprised if any of it is true).

For decades, the Chicago Cubs were both affectionately and condescendingly known as the “Lovable Losers.” Though they were rarely a contender, the Cubs were still lovable for many reasons.

Things were different in 2016, as the Cubs were quite lovable but far from losers (we’ll leave out a player or two who fell in the latter category).

The Cubbies were the best team in baseball basically all year, spending 159 of 162 games in first place.

They went on to win the World Series over the Cleveland Indians in one of the most exciting and significant World Series in the sport’s history.

Three and a half years later, we’ve now learned that the past three American League Champions and two of the last three World Series Champions since that historic series were blatantly cheating.

While it’s fair to look back and question the legitimacy of recent champions, it’s probably safe to say that the 2016 World Series Champion Chicago Cubs weren’t cheating.

I mean come on, can you honestly see Kris Bryant cheating? He’d probably hear word of any cheating and would immediately find the culprit, proclaiming “Not cool, guys!” with that huge smile on his face before giving them a hug and gently removing any cheating device.

And we know that David Ross wouldn’t be able to pull something off like the Astros or Red Sox. At 39 years of age, there’s no way that Grandpa Rossy would be able to work the technology being used for an operation like those reported.

This is also a team that employs Ivy League graduate Kyle Hendricks in their starting rotation. Instead of cheating, they’d be much better off letting Professor Hendricks develop an algorithm to figure out the other team’s signs. “And voila, I have discovered what signs they will be calling for each game this decade!”

According to some muddled reports via Twitter on Thursday, Astros superstar and ALCS Game 7 hero Jose Altuve was reportedly wearing a buzzer under his jersey that would be activated by someone in the Astros video room to alert him of pitches.

While it’s possible that the Cubs could have done that, it would probably just be confused with Jake Arrieta‘s pilates timer.

Honorary club redneck Travis Wood certainly didn’t have one on, considering he was shirtless for about 86 games in the dugout.

Count fan-favorite Tommy La Stella out of the cheating conservation. If the Cubs tried to plant a buzzer on La Stella, he probably would have spilled beer on it.

And there’s no way that the club could find a wire long enough to wrap around Kyle Schwarber‘s body. The only reason that Altuve was able to be bugged was his 5’6″ frame.

We know for sure that Addison Russell didn’t have an inside scoop on pitches, considering he hit .238 and struck out more than an ugly guy’s pickup line at the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show.

Outfielder Jason Heyward definitely wasn’t involved, either. Heyward fled the boring city of St. Louis and the Cardinals, who had been recently busted for hacking none other than the Houston Astros just a year before.

J-Hey left St. Louis for a reason, and it’s probably safe to say that those reasons probably involved no longer wanting to spend time in a city filled with bugs and amorality only to come to a team that planted bugs and exercised amorality.

This was a club ran by the highly respected Joe Maddon, who spends much of his time in his family’s RV. He gave a tour of his home on wheels a few years ago to MLB.com. Nope, no high-tech video rooms in there.

Above anything, there’s no way that the Cubs front office would be willing to fork out the cash required for such an intricate cheating scheme. Word has it that Cubs President Theo Epstein is still using Windows 95 in his office due to the Ricketts’ frugality.

This is the same club that still uses a hand-operated scoreboard and didn’t have any Jumbotrons until 2015. And people could actually think that the team would have a state of the art sign-monitoring system complete with buzzers? Sure, maybe in the 2116 season.

Anthony Rizzo went on the record Thursday to assure folks that the Cubs don’t cheat.

That settles it, people. If Anthony Rizzo said it, it has to be true. Rizzo is so honest, he’ll probably have a hard time telling his kid that the Tooth Fairy exists.

There’s just no way that the 2016 Cubs could have pulled something off like the Houston Astros cheating scandal. Not with the group that they had. And with their abilities, they didn’t need to.

In related news, if anyone has any dirt on the 2019 Washington Nationals, please step forward. The Cubs are one scandal away from being the de facto defending World Series champions.