Chicago Bears: Cody Parkey wanted for assault on Soldier Field uprights

Chicago Bears kicker Cody Parkey hit the upright on what would have been the game-winning kick on Sunday. Authorities say that he’s now wanted for assault on the Soldier Field uprights.

Shortly after Chicago Bears kicker Cody Parker donged the Soldier Field upright for the fifth time this season, authorities announced that Parkey was wanted for assault against the upright.

Earlier in the season, Parkey attacked the uprights four times in a game against the Detroit Lions. Parkey’s crime on Sunday brought the dong toll to five at Soldier Field.

It was finally enough for Chicago authorities to formally charge Parkey with assault against the uprights, but reports say that the 26-year-old fled Soldier Field in the mascot uniform following his media availability.

Only two other kickers had a worse field goal percentage than Parkey in the regular season. Neither of those kickers made it to the postseason.

According to wanted posters, the city of Chicago was offering a reward of $2.75 million, equivalent to Parkey’s salary in 2019.

Sources estimate that approximately 65,000 people had already joined the manhunt for Parkey. Those numbers were only expected to grow as the evening went on.

If Parkey is found guilty, he will not face any jail time. Instead, he will likely have to pay the balance of his contract as well approximately $5 million in fines to city of Chicago for any missed sales tax on tickets. An additional $2 million in fines could be added on for income on souvenirs and merchandise that will be lost as a result of the Bears failing to advance to the next round.

Some experts believe that Parkey will take refuge in Philadelphia. Others have speculated that Parkey would join fellow scapegoat Steve Bartman in Miami since Parkey is a native of Florida, but that likely won’t happen as a result of Parkey’s struggles with the Miami Dolphins.

Individuals in Alabama and New Orleans are expected to be alert for Parkey, as he played college football at Auburn and will likely be treated well by Philadelphia fans heading to New Orleans for the team’s matchup against the Saints.

Despite being charged as potential accomplices to Parkey’s crimes, some members of the team have already stood up to fans insulting Parkey. Offensive tackle Charles Leno had some choice words for fans, saying “You have no idea how hard this…is”

Regardless of support from teammates, it’s likely that if Parkey returns to Chicago he will only be caught in an orange jumpsuit instead of an orange Bears uniform.

The text within this article is meant for satirical purposes.