Chicago Bears: These quarterbacks have made us who we are

Let’s group these guys together because they were essentially the same guy. As we move along here, you’ll notice the Bears have a long standing affinity for quarterbacks with the mobility of an Easter Island statue and the arm-strength of the balloons that hover over a car dealership. Here were the first two of my life.

I doubt I can tell you anything about Steve Fuller, other than he was the first quarterback who had no feet and couldn’t throw the ball across the street that I watched wear the blue and orange. And if someone had told me back then that this would be a long continuing tradition, I might have gotten out in time. But no one did, because clearly no one loved me. He had that one highlight where someone tore his jersey, and that’s about the extent of his career, I’m fairly sure.

Remember that thing I said about quarterbacks with no feet and no arm? Here was the next. Mike Tomczak couldn’t throw the ball far enough to have it intercepted much, so he was a coach’s erotic dream. Because of that, the Bears could hand the ball off to Neal Anderson and Walter Payton until their heart’s content and no one really complained because the alternative was another change-up from no. 18. I’m amazed Willie Gault didn’t completely lose his marbles and paint all of Halas Hall red or something.